My Insides Out

Jason, You Won't Believe It...

2008-08-06T21:12:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging again! I think it's been almost a year since I last posted. You didn't miss anything. What! Are you kidding! You missed so much! I'm back in Atlanta right now. I just moved back up into the front room, my old room. It feels nice to be in a single, lofted bed instead of a triple-bunk that creaks and shakes every time someone breathes deeply or rolls over. I've been sleeping better and a lot these past couple of weeks. I lost a lot of sleep over the summer. Hmmm...it's been a good summer, a very good summer. Working at Camp Westminster was probably the most unexpected, tiresome, joy-filled, emotionally-draining, character-building, gift-affirming, prayer-filled and answered, community-forming, miracle-working, and worship-filled summer I've ever experienced in my life. It's incredible what the Lord can do when He calls a bunch of redeemed sinners together and throws in a few hundred children into the mix as well. Things are never dull, that's for sure. It's still hard to process everything that's going on in my heart and head. I've tried not to think about it because I know I'll start feeling sad. I miss my friends. I've tried to distract myself with the computer. I've tried to sleep it off. I've tried to dive into books rather than into prayer. I've tried to do everything I can to keep myself busy. It's so hard to rest. I am restless.
I don't need more sleep. I don't need distraction. I don't need food, or sex, or drinks, or facebook, or busyness. I need grace and I need rest, and that's only found in Jesus. Why do I forget that so quickly? Why do I wander so far, so fast? I'm a very forgetful person at times. One time Kelley and I drove up to my parents' house to visit them for the day. They live about an hour away. When we had finished dinner and hanging out with them for the evening. We drove back. It was about 9 or 9:30 when we left. Well, when we pulled up to my house. I immediately realized that I had left my keys, to get into my house and my car, at my parents' house. So, we had to drive back to my parents' house and get my keys and then come back down, again. What should have been a two-hour round trip turned into four. This is how forgetful and stupid I am with earthly things. How much more with Heavenly things?!
I need to remember what God has done. I need to remember that He alone is Great. He alone is Good. I forget, so quickly, the true character of God. I buy into the lies of the enemy, and I'm so easily driven by my own guilt and shame to believe that God is someone besides who He has revealed Himself to be. I create false assumptions about who God is; and I don't trust His words, His deeds as He has revealed them to me. I see this played out in my relationship with Kelley. Sometimes she used to put false assumptions on me. She used to think that if she didn't perform well, measure up, or "make me happy" in our relationship that I would leave her. What was she doing? The same thing I do. She wouldn't trust me for who I had revealed myself to be. My words and actions were being interpreted through her own paradigm, and so my actions and words couldn't be trusted, totally. She didn't see or hear me (Kelley, hiiissssttthh!). The truth is, there is nothing that Kelley could ever say or do that could change my disposition toward her. I may get irritated or frustrated with her. I may have sinful feeling toward her at times. But, my overall disposition, posture, love and affection for her can never change. It just can't, and she knows that clearly through my actions and my words as I have disclosed them to her.
So, the question is, "Why do I doubt God's disposition toward me?" Why am I so filled with doubts, guilt, fear, anxiety, and an overall lack of assurance as to how God feels toward me? I know the answer! Or do I? I need to relate rightly to the Lord as He has revealed Himself to be. I need to see who He really is and what He has really done! I need His word which is His revelation disclosing His character, His actions, His words. But, this God that I want so desperately to know and love is not like any other being. I am filled with so many flaws, inconsistencies, failures, sin, discontinuities between what I say I believe and how I live, lies, etc. But, this God, the God of the Bible who has been supremely revealed in Jesus is no liar and in Him is "no shadow of turning." He is "the Way, the Truth, and The Life." He is "a God merciful and gracious; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love."
He is the God of all grace, and "grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." He is not my angry judge. He is not a distant father. He is not a brutal tyrant. He is not an unjust slave master. He is not a crabby old school teacher. He is not far away. He does not delight in evil. He does not enjoy seeing any perish. He is not a flippant, moody acquaintance. He is not a traitor. He does not break His promises. He does not change. He is gracious. He is slow to anger. He is patient. He is kind. He has my best interest at heart. He loves to bless and is Himself the blessing. He is abounding in steadfast love. He is overflowing with love. There is not limit, no capacity, no measure to His compassion. His grace is a fountain that never runs dry, a bottomless well. He is filled with every good and perfect gift, all righteousness and truth. He is above all things and He is the only one worth any praise or glory or honor. This is the God of the Bible. This is the God revealed in Jesus. This is who He has disclosed Himself to be, one who is worthy of all glory and praise but takes none for Himself. He takes nothing for Himself, but gives all away and gave it all away at the cross so that a sinner like me could have the blessing, and the riches, and the glory.
I doubt so much and so often, and I take shelter in my guilt and in my self-pity, but God has greater things in mind. He doesn't turn His back on me as I so often do. He doesn't get pissed off at me when I don't trust Him. He doesn't run out of patience for me. He isn't angry with me because all of those things He reserved to place upon Jesus, and He did on that terrible, terrible day at Calvary. His disposition toward me is one of blessing, and delight, and pleasure only because Jesus suffered His anger, wrath, and judgment for me, in my place. This is the Gospel. "This is eternal life. That they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent" John 17:3.

Worthy Is The Lamb

2007-11-08T20:12:00.000-08:00

“God… is infinitely the greatest and best of beings. All things else, with regard to worthiness, importance, and excellence, are perfectly as nothing in comparison to him… The ultimate [goal] of God’s works is… the glory of God.”

– Jonathan Edwards

Psalm 145

Great Is the Lord

A Song of Praise. Of David.

145:1 I will extol you, my God and King,
and bless your name forever and ever.
2 Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
3 Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable.

4 One generation shall commend your works to another,
and shall declare your mighty acts.
5 On the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.
6 They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds,
and I will declare your greatness.
7 They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness
and shall sing aloud of your righteousness.

8 The Lord is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
9 The Lord is good to all,
and his mercy is over all that he has made.

10 All your works shall give thanks to you, O Lord,
and all your saints shall bless you!
11 They shall speak of the glory of your kingdom
and tell of your power,
12 to make known to the children of man your mighty deeds,
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
13 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures throughout all generations.

[The Lord is faithful in all his words
and kind in all his works.]
14 The Lord upholds all who are falling
and raises up all who are bowed down.
15 The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food in due season.
16 You open your hand;
you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
17 The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and kind in all his works.
18 The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desire of those who fear him;
he also hears their cry and saves them.
20 The Lord preserves all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

21 My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord,
and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever.

You are what you worship. You become like that which you worship. What do you place your confidence in? Where does your hope lie? What do you consider worthy? What carries weight, significance, authority in your life? Is it money? Is it other people's approval? Is it food, sex, grades, worldly success and fame, significance, a lover's affection, comfort, health or financial security? What do you consider worthy? What, if gained, would "make you happy" or "make life meaningful?" What, if lost, would make life meaningless, and "not worth living?"

God's glory is weighty. He is the only one worthy of worship. His glory is infinitely weighty, infinitely significant, infinitely worthy. His beauty, majesty, splendor, worth are matchless throughout all of creation. He is the Creator God, The Only Living God, The True God, The King of Kings, The Lord of Lords. He sits exalted, enthroned, enveloped with weighty praise above heaven and earth.

“The Biblical word ‘glory’ is (Heb) kavod [which] means heavy, weighty, significant… The ‘glory of the Lord’ indicates the brilliance that is connected with all God’s virtues and his self-revelation in nature and grace… As an object of loving adoration it is called his [beauty]. As an object of our reverent submission it is called his majesty. As an object of our joyous gratitude it is called his [worthiness].”
– Herman Bavinck

When I first began to draw near to belief in God and even for some time after, I found a stumbling block in the demand that we should “praise” God; still more in the suggestion that God Himself demanded it. We all despise the man who demands continued assurance of his own virtue… but the most obvious fact about praise — whether of God or anything, strangely escaped me. I never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise. The world rings with praise — lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favorite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favorite game… Except where intolerably adverse circumstances interfere, praise almost seems to be inner health made audible… Men spontaneously praise whatever they value, so they spontaneously urge us to join them in praising it: “Wasn’t it glorious? Don’t you think that magnificent?” Indeed we can’t help doing it...because praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation… Our expressions of praise are inadequate — but how if one could really and fully praise things to perfection — then indeed our delight would attain perfect development! To understand what [heaven] means we must imagine ourselves in perfect love with God — drunk with, drowned in, dissolved by, that delight which, far from remaining pent up within ourselves… flows out from us incessantly again in effortless and perfect expression — our joy no more separable from the praise in which it liberates and utters itself than the brightness a mirror receives is separable from the brightness it sheds. The Scots catechism says a man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. But then we will know these are the same thing. To fully enjoy is to glorify — in commanding us to glorify Him, God is inviting us to enjoy him.
– C.S. Lewis

When I Sit in Darkness I Shall Rise

2007-11-07T20:09:00.000-08:00

My eyes can only distinguish dull grey tones.
A fog lingers all around me.
I cannot see which way I am going.
Where am I?
Is this a dream?
Is this hell?
No taste, No sight, No smell.
Paralyzed, numb, yet frightened,
I look down
at my feet,
but I cannot see them.
Who am I?
The only decision I can make,
is no decision at all.
I cannot breathe;
only weep.
A light,
in the distance,
breaks through small holes in the thick cloud.
Beams of hope,
Burn into my skin.
My face grows warm.
My eyes focus on the light.
I was blind, but now I see.
The fog dissipates.
I can see my feet.
But where do I go?
Follow the light.
There's life in the light.

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

2007-11-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

Jesus, I long for thee,
And sigh for Canaan's shore,
Thy lovely face to see,
And all my warfare o'er;
Here billows break upon my breast
And brooding sorrows steal my rest.

I pant, I groan, I grieve
For my untoward heart;
How full of doubts I live,
Though full of grace thou art!
What poor returns, I make to thee
For all the mercy shown to me!

And must I ever smart,
A child of sorrows here?
Yet, Lord be near my heart,
To soothe each rising tear;
Then at thy bleeding cross I'll stay,
And sweetly weep my life away.

-John Berridge

Sometimes God's grace looks like me flat on my face.
It isn't plastic smiles. It isn't comfortable, cookie-cutter, American bullshit.
It's messy. It hurts. It's perpetual.
Being transformed, remade into God' image isn't like putting fancy ornaments on a Christmas tree. It's killing the tree by chopping it down, digging up the dead roots, and burning the whole tree by fire.
The Gospel is good news.
Jesus wins.
God plants new trees with imperishable seeds.
He is making me fit for heaven, my true home.
I am so polluted. I desperately need God's grace,
even though I run from Him. Like a shepherd who chases down his wandering, stupid sheep. When the shepherd finds him he, oftentimes, breaks the sheep's leg to prevent him from running any further. In the same way, God graciously wrestles me to the ground and breaks into my life. He uproots and shatters all of my false presumptions about Him, myself, and the world. "By Gods blessing my old foundation was broken up, and I saw that my righteousness would not save me."

The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

2007-10-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

The sweaty summer afternoon provoked it,
a day at the pond.
I didn't know who's pond it was.
A friend of mine, more like an acquaintance,
had a special tie with the woman who lived there.
She kindly allowed us to swim.
She had two rowdy dogs. One, a small golden retriever-
the other, a beefy black lab whose shoulders reached my hips.
We rolled up to the house as the dogs darted toward the car.
We tried not to squish them beneath the tires.
Soon, we reached a cove
at the far end of the pond.
The bank of the pond was a steep rolling slope covered in mud and rock.
There was a small wooden platform at the top of the bank.
In front of the platform hung a rope with a make-shift handle.
It was nearly thirty feet from the water.
We took turns swinging out over the pond.
We made Tarzan calls to one another.
The two dogs would chase us up and down the embankment.
The golden retriever would swim out to us.
He thought he could rescue us from drowning.
I admired his concern.
The big black lab was more like a cow than a dog.
He had a large gaping mouth,
and his teeth were tarnished yellow.
His breath was overpowering,
but his dopey smile made him tolerable.
My brother was up next.
We cheered for him to swing out to us
who were wading in the muddy water.
He grasped the handle.
He leaped in the air.
The golden retriever, as usual, chased him down the slope.
The beastly lab wasn't chasing him this time.
He jumped upward
with his mouth wide open
like a black, bottomless pit.
The number of his yellow teeth showed
that he was not merely playing.
His tremendous jaws clamped shut
with a thunderous clap
that echoed within the cove and throughout the rest of the pond.
My brother screamed.
He hurtled down toward the surface of the water
in a chaotic display of frenzily flailing limbs.
Awkward splashes shot through the air.
I tore through the water to get to him.
The golden retriever tried to rescue him as well,
but he only made the situation more hectic.
Splashing, thrashing, kicking, scratching.
I quickly pulled my brother from the water.
He leaked crimson colors from his ass.
We covered the deep gash with a t-shirt.
He sat uncomfortably in the backseat,
and complained at the bumps in the road.
We took him to the hospital.
The doctor stitched his wound,
and giggled a bit.
We never swam at that pond ever again.

O Worship The King, All Glorious Above!

2007-08-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

O worship the King, all glorious above
O gratefully sing His wonderful love
Our Shield and Defender, the Ancient of Days
Pavilioned in splender, and girded with praise

O tell of His might, O sing of His grace
Whose robe is the light and canopy space
His chariots of wrath the deep thunderclouds form
And dark is His path on the wings of the storm

O measureless might, ineffable love
While angels delight to worship above
Thy mercies how tender, how firm to the end
Our Maker, Defender, Redeemer, and Friend

You alone are the matchless King
To You alone be all majesty
Your glories and wonders, what tongue can recite?
You breathe in the air, You shine in the light

The Lord is the King of all the earth!
The Heavens and the earth quake at the sound of His name!
All nations will come and bow the knee.
All the kings and rulers in the earth will fall on their faces before his throne.
Their kingdoms will pass away, but yours, O Lord, will never pass away.
You reign forever and ever!

Jesus is King. Jesus is Lord.
Maranatha, Maranatha,
Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

Doxology

2007-08-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
Praise Him all creatures here below,
Praise Him above ye heavenly host,
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Every breath, every thought, every moment is doxology.

Jesus the Messiah has come and set me free to live out a life of praise, wonder, and thanksgiving.

The King has come wielding a mighty sword, the sword of the Spirit, and has slain the enemy and has set the captives free. Jesus is the one who was to come, the Anointed Son of God, the one greater than David. And He has come to lead his people like a shepherd back to the Father's house. That he might have a household of priests reigning over the creation forever and ever. And he has done this not with weapons made by men or through coercion, but through obedience to His Father's will, through suffering and weakness displayed supremely on the cross! It is true. It is true. It is true. Praise God for his mercy. His wisdom and power and authority are above all mankind. Indeed, over heaven and earth He reigns supreme. All allegiance and love and praise be unto His name now and forever.

Amen.

!

2007-07-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

Why am I scared of people in a room?
Why can't they see a good time
are the people close to you?
Why don't I just give in?
Have a drink and shake some hands

Oh ey oh
Oh ey oh

Why am I scarred from what she did to me?
Why can't I trust anyone?
No, not even me
Why don't I just give in?
Have a drink and shake some hands

Oh ey oh
Oh ey oh

It's raining outside. And it is muggy.
I feel like I'm inside of a giant armpit.
yum...

Thinking, Thinking, Always Thinking...

2007-07-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

"This commandment I give to you, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

I can't help but wonder and marvel at this amazing verse.
I begin to imagine just how much Christ loved his own disciples.
Not one grudge.
Not one vestige of sinful anger.
Not one moment of hatred.
Never once did he embarrass or harass another.
Never a moment of jealousy or envy.
Not one strike; not one blow.

No,

He was perfect in every respect.

Always:

Patient. Loving. Merciful. Meek. Tender. Sacrificial. Peaceable in all things. Humble. Encouraging. Prayerful. Mindful of others, especially the poor and broken in spirit.

"He committed no sin. Neither was deceit found in His mouth. When He was reviled He did not revile in return. But, He continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly."

"Like a lamb lead to the slaughter so he opened not his mouth..."

A Crucified Savior. A King who dies for his enemies. A Deity who sacrifices his own power and wealth for rebels.

This is ultimate power.
This is supreme wisdom.

I need you now, Holy Spirit.

Maranatha, Come, Lord Jesus!

"My soul waits for you,
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."

It's Bedtime now...

2007-07-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

I just saw Transformers.

1) Awesome Special Effects

2) Megan Fox is so hot

There is a bigger story that we all long to be apart of. It's one marked by good and evil, a conflict, and the triumph of one greater than ourselves. Every story gives a taste of what we all long to see true in our own lives. Every story points to THE STORY---the Gospel. Through faith we enter into that triumphal victory in Jesus Christ the one who came down from His throne in Heaven to slay Satan, Sin, and Death. He alone is the victor, the one worthy of worship and praise. He alone has been obedient at every point of the law, and this to the point of death. His perfect life, His perfect death, His perfect resurrection sacrificed as a perfect substitute on behalf of rebellious sinners has brought the climactic resolution for which all of humanity and even creation long to experience.

Check out these amazing musicians:

Immanu el

http://myspace.com/immanuelband

Struggling with sin is evidence of God's amazing grace at work in my life...

2007-06-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

I am always searching for new things to satisfy new passions.
I am always waiting for new days to come with old fantasies in the form of a Hollywood movie.
Then I could really live...right?
Then I would have real meaning and substance in my life.
Then I would have purpose, identity, and real happiness.
Then I could love people the way that I imagine myself loving people.
Then I would be a "faithful" Christian.
Then I wouldn't sin as much or perhaps not even at all.
Then I would be like God.
This is how my thinking eventually breaks down.
My entire paradigm needs to be changed.
All of my passions and desires have my "happiness" and myself at the center.
All of my fantasies, perhaps even well-intended wants and desires, are functionally controlled by my desire to suit my own corrupt passions.
It is a vicious cycle that continually feeds itself.
I'm like a stupid dog who keeps chasing his own tail around.
"More! More! MORE! GIVE ME MORE!"
Thank God that he doesn't leave me in my sin.
He doesn't let me stay the same.
He breaks into my life. He is still at work removing the junk from my heart.
He is making me into the image of his Son,
the one in whom he finds Supreme delight and joy.
This is what redemption looks like. God breaking into real history, real time and space, to do and to be what men cannot and will not do for themselves.
Perfect obedience. Perfect righteousness.
God should kick my ass out of his holy presence and into the pits of hell, but instead he has come down in the person of Jesus to perfectly obey on my behalf and then He, himself, was cut off as my substitute.
What a crazy story in which I find myself!
The story isn't over yet.
It's still being played out with living characters and in real time, space, history!
I am comforted to know my Father in Heaven, Yahweh, The Creator God, The Only One True God, The King who has given me His only Son to fulfill His promises.
He has given me his Son in real time, space, and history; but, also, he has given me His Son in His Holy word-in the Bible.
And I can have full confidence in His promises and in his faithfulness to carry them out because His word is sufficient to know and follow Him.
I look forward to the day that I can be with Him and behold Him in the fullness of His glory.
But, I find comfort in knowing Him now, and that I can trust Him fully.
In Christ, the veil has been lifted.
In Christ, I reign as a Prince.
My allegiance belongs to Jesus, the Warrior-King.
"The Lord is a warrior."

Summer in Georgia is so hot these days.

2007-06-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

The summer heat dries my skin,

enough to fill an ocean.

All emotion, all thoughts,

begin to evaporate.

These roads are crooked.

These trees stand straight like giants,

and redirect my gaze up towards heaven.

The earth is still. The cities are quiet up there.
Their lights still pulse in all directions.
The moon is content with reflecting the light
of something brighter than himself.

But, my imagination soon tumbles back down to earth.

The heat burns it up and soon it is erased forever.

The sun does not reflect off of my skin so much,

but continues to dry it like old leather.

I wonder if the weather will ever change.

I would like to stand in the rain.

And let it soak into my skin.

Song/Poem

2007-06-24T14:42:00.000-07:00

We drive back in the afternoon.

Somehow we pick the hottest time of day.

The mountains were beautiful.

And so were you.

It's hot and muggy in this old car.

The A/C broke last January.

Kind of ironic, don't you see?

We didn't need to stay cold back then.

But summer's here. The sweat leaves traces on the steering wheel.
I'm not dead yet, but I oddly feel I should be in bed by now.
But, somehow, I know I've got a long way to drive. And there are things left unsaid.

The house was a mess when we first left.

I hope that it hasn't gotten worse.

The dog was alive and well.

I hope she checked on him from time to time.

I'd like to see him again.

All of these concerns run through my head.

I know there are things left unsaid.

I should open my mouth.

And I almost do, but you are asleep in the passenger seat.

But summer's here. The sweat leaves traces on the steering wheel.
I'm not dead yet, but I oddly feel I should be in bed by now.
But, somehow, I know I've got a long way to drive. And there are things left unsaid.

In My Bed

2007-05-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

The bed is soaked with my groanings.

The sheets are damp with my complaints.

My belly aches are tangled in white sheets.

How could this be God's grace?

The darkest moments are very bright now,

Though the blinds obscure all light from the window.

The beams pierce through the deep dark clouds.

They push through like lightning,

and break apart the thick walls I have built,

made from bricks shaped like white lies.

Soon, I see the reality of it all.

The pain I feel,

The darkness which surrounds me.

Is grace, indeed.

My senses are numb with self-centered cancer.

The sickness goes deeper than my belly.

It could be worse.

It should be worse.

Thank God for his amazing grace.

God Leaves Fingerprints In the Sky...

2007-05-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

God Moves in A Mysterious Way

God moves in a mysterious way,
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs,
And works his sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence,
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is his own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.

-William Cowper

Behind a frowning Providence...He hides a smiling face.

Poem

2007-03-10T16:26:00.000-08:00

All of my affectations are fleeting.

I walk along a crooked path with crooked feet holding a crooked stick.

I look beyond the fence and see what fantasies I wish lay there for me,

but I soon stumble upon a rock and I wake up to reality.

The fog rises, a cloud hangs in a fuzzy haze about my eyes.

If only the wind would blow it away.

I would soon see the sun beginning to rise.

Another Day For Grace

2007-01-18T09:18:00.000-08:00

I am not who I think I am. . .

Hymn 30

John Newton

Why should I complain?

When my Savior, my Shepherd is near,

How quickly my sorrows depart!

New beauties around me appear,

New spirits enliven my heart:

His presence gives peace to my soul,

And Satan assaults me in vain;

While my Shepherd his pow’r controls,

I think I no more shall complain

But alas! what a change do I find,

When my Shepherd withdraws from my sight?

My fears all return to my mind,

My day is soon changed into night:

Then Satan his efforts renews

To vex and ensnare me again;

All my pleasing enjoyments I lose,

And can only lament and complain.

By these changes I often pass through,

I am taught my own weakness to know;

I am taught what my Shepherd can do,

And how much to his mercy I owe:

It is he who supports me through all,

When I faint he revives me again;

He attends to my prayer when I call,

And bids me no longer complain.

Wherefore then should I murmur and grieve?

Since my Shepherd is always the same,

And has promised he never will leave

Jer 1:19

The soul that confides in his name:

To relieve me from all that I fear,

He was buffeted, tempted, and slain;

And at length he will surely appear,

Though he leaves me awhile to complain.

While I dwell in an enemy’s land,

Can I hope to be always in peace?

’Tis enough that my Shepherd’s at hand,

And that shortly this warfare will cease;

For ere long he will bid me remove

Rev 2:10

From this region of sorrow and pain,

To abide in his presence above,

And then I no more shall complain.

Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done. . .

2007-01-12T15:52:00.000-08:00

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?"
"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen."

-Romans 11:33-36

All things having been planned, created, maintained, upheld, and sustained by the wisdom of the Father have been reconciled, restored, affirmed, fulfilled and satisfied in the weakness of the Son and are now being redeemed, accomplished, completed, consummated and concluded by the power of the Holy Spirit. "For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever! Amen." Every plan, every purpose, every scheme and every thought are being irrevocably and inevitably captivated for the ultimate purpose of Him from whom, by whom, through whom and to whom all things exist. 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ." The Kingdom of God has come; the Day is at hand. The darkness is passing away. All will soon be saturated in the fullness of light and truth; all will soon be revealed in eternal, physical reality; all will soon be right with the world and with our Maker.

Matthew 4:17 "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."

Romans 13:11-14 "Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires."

1 Corinthians 15:51-58 "Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true:

"Death has been swallowed up in victory."
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

I need to go to bed!

2007-01-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

The sweetest moments of my day are those spent in silence before the Lord.

I am filled with awe and wonder when I think about the cross.

I wish I always saw it so clearly.

I have no words to say.

Sleep calls.

Z
z
z.

It's been a long day. . .

2006-12-20T20:49:00.000-08:00

Psalm 42

BOOK II : Psalms 42-72

For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah.
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

My sin weighs heavy upon my tender heart. All day long I groan inwardly to my God, my Father. As I see the utter corruption of my flesh stain every thought, word, and deed I produce. My heart is burdened beyond what seems bearable. For I know my rebellion; I know the guilt of my sin.

"If today He deigns to bless us with a sense of pardoned sin; He tomorrow may distress us, make us feel the plague within."

If only I knew the depths of my own heart as well as my Father knows them then I would see just how desperate my condition truly is. O Holy Spirit! Come quickly with power and truth and righteousness! Grant me the sweet grace of repentance, and restore unto me the joy of the salvation of the Lord! Grant to my soul that sweet, immeasurable grace of knowing the finality and fullness of my redemption! I have no other refuge save that of the righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ; no other shelter apart from that which lies beneath his wings; no other comfort besides that which awaits me near his bosom. "For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death." Surely it is the Lord's grace which produces godly grief leading to repentance and restoration! "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."

How vast and immense are the depths of the riches of the Lord God Almighty!

How sweet the melody which streams through my soul!

A song of redemption encloses before and behind me!

The grace of God makes my broken spirit whole!

The Man and The Well

2006-11-23T23:44:00.000-08:00

One clear, crisp evening the farmer heard a voice - a soft voice - it echoed throughout the valley and among the freshly packed bails of hay. It even swam throughout the barnhouse and across the pond. He heard it singing a sweet melody, a song more beautiful than anything he ever heard. It was so beautiful, in fact, he nearly wept at the ringing of each note. The farmer was not bothered by the music, but he welcomed it as any kind farmer would. Although he did grow quite curious as to where the music was coming from. When it was three days past the first night he encountered the lovely music; the farmer decided to investigate it's origins. So the farmer began following the sweet voice like a string of beautiful clues leading him towards heaven itself. The farmer heard the sounds getting louder and more intense each step of the way. He began weeping uncontrollably. He did not weep tears of pain and sorrow, but of joy and happiness, for the music was more beautiful than any sound which had ever touched his ears. The man finally reached what he believed to be the source of the beautiful voice. And he came upon a well. The same well he drew water from each morning. It was an old well made of flat grey rocks chipped and weathered from extensive rainfall and bitter-cold-winters. The rocks were aged and covered in a strange vine accompanied by dried, dead moss. The bucket was nearly rusted and had several holes which prevented the farmer from extracting a considerable amount of water from the well. The rope which lowered and lifted the bucket up each time was tethered and peeling like an old shoelace. The farmer saw nothing of value in the well itself. He even planned to build a new one very soon. But it was what was inside of the well which brought life; the water, of course. Now, the water was singing to him the most beautiful song he had ever heard. He lowered the bucket into the water, and began to fill it up. Then he slowly began to raise the bucket up inch by inch. When the bucket reached the top of the well the farmer saw something glimmering. The moonlight was striking a shiny object in the bucket. He dipped his hand into the water of the bucket and pulled out a golden key. It was no ordinary key, but one covered in fine gems and jewels - rubies, sapphires, cobalt, diamonds. The farmer gazed in awestruck wonder at the prize which he had found. The key was magnificient. He began shouting for joy and dancing in amazement. "How could such a beautiful prize come out of such an old, worthless well?" he asked himself. He ran quickly back to his room to view it in better light. The farmer pulled out his magnifying glass and discovered a fine printing on the side of the key. It read "This key is no ordinary key. It belongs to the King. Whoever finds this must use it wisely. He may not use it to open any ordinary door, but only the one appointed by the King. Do this and you will live." The farmer became very confused and even grew a little nervous at the reading of this. He set the key down but never took his eye off of it. He began pacing back and forth attempting to figure out the meaning of the fine printing on the side of the key. When, at last, he noticed the tip of the key, it's particular shape. He had seen the shape before. It was very familiar to him. "No, it can't be" he thought to himself. "Is it really?" he asked himself. The farmer began to quickly pull his shirt off, and there, in the middle of his chest, exactly in the center of his own heart, was a hole. This hole had been there from his birth, and the farmer never knew why he had it. He was always ashamed of it because none of the other farmers nearby had a hole like it. The farmer picked up the key. His palms began to sweat and his hand jittered a bit. He reluctantly moved the key closer to his chest. And, all at once, he plunged the key into the hole. He screamed loudly for it was very painful, but he did not remove the key. Instead, he turned it three times to the right. Each time he let out loud cries for it was terribly painful. But, upon the final click of the last turn, the man's eyes lit aglow and his mouth dropped wide open. Bright beams of light began to pour out of his fingertips and toes, and loud music, the same music he heard coming from the well, flowed forth from the man's voice. It was a symphony, a chorus of the most beautiful melodies and songs ever played. The trees, the birds, the grass, the stars, and the moon all began to weep tears of joy at the sound of the man's voice. The earth and everything in it melted with joy at the song whose theme is redeeming love. (To be continued . . .)

The King Alone Can Bring

2006-11-22T00:21:00.000-08:00

Is there one shred of obedience which my hand alone can bring?

Nothing, my dear, nothing at all.

Is
there
due
tribute
to
render
the
King?

Nothing, my child, nothing at all.

Is there a tear, one drop, to move Him to pity?

Nothing, my son, nothing at all.

Is there no song? No pleasing theme to sing?

Nothing, my dear; nothing, nothing.

Then what shall I do? If I can bring nothing? What shall I render? If I can offer nothing? Surely I am doomed.

And I heard these words which tasted like honey:

"The King, the King alone can bring,
what rightly he demands - yet, he alone is pleased,
with what he alone can bring,
no work which you can do,
can make Him crack a smile.
The tribute which you offer,
can never Him beguile.
The tears which flow like fountains,
though they be sincere and salty,
will never emote His pardon nor grant a look of favor,
A song could not incline His ear,
to listen to your plea,
though beautiful and sweetly played,
Wrath alone kindles upon the striking of the notes,
But the obedience He requires,
He offers it himself,
In perfect life and death surrendered,
A tribute of love and grace,
The wailing and the flowing,
of tears and blood and wrath,
Compose a song of sweet redemption,
A chorus of mercy,
In the death of the King."

Ah Mooseknuckle . . .

2006-11-18T21:25:00.000-08:00

I went and saw Death Cab on Friday.

It was a pretty sweet concert.

Man, I wanna be in a band :(

They played one of my favorite songs, however.

Here's the video on Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV4Vt2yb7MQ

Ugggghhhh . . . I can't sleep!

2006-11-16T23:35:00.000-08:00

It's pretty late, and I can't seem to fall asleep! I've been tossing and turning all night! Ugh . . . it is very frustrating I must say. I don't know what it is. I'm sitting at my computer drinking some oj (the drink not the Simpson). I would've picked milk only I don't like milk unless it's chocolate. But we don't have any chocolate. Mom told me we had ovaltine, but all I could find was this funny old box of "Cocoa" that looked like it was manufactured in 1973. I read the label and it said I could make hot chocolate or hot-fudge squares. So I decided to go with oj (the drink not the Simpson). Man, oh man, am I killing time or what. I do have quite a bit on my mind, however.

I've been thinking a lot about my heart (that is the things which motivate me, drive me, etc). I know my heart is wicked. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 17:9. There are many things which the Lord is revealing to me which I need to think about and repent of most definitely. I see how certain things which my flesh craves run and control my life. I am driven by the things which my heart desires, and these things easily become idols which I blindly and rebelliously worship and treasure more than the Lord. I hate it. I really do. Therefore, I need Jesus. I am in such desperate need of Him every moment of the day, and my heart aches to be with Him in heaven that I might experience what it means to have sin totally eradicated from my body. I long to dwell in the Heavenly City, the New Jerusalem, where my allegiance will never be compromised by the foolish things of this broken, fallen, sinful world. But my agenda would be solely that of the King, and my desire would be wholly and distinctly for Him alone.

I can't blame the things which the Lord has created and declared "good" as cause for my frustration and rebellion. James writes "When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" -James 1:13-15. Oh the heinousness and deceitfulness of sin! How it sneaks up on me like a thief, and robs me of the worship and allegiance I owe to King Jesus! Now I see why Christ was always exhorting his disciples to "Stay on their guard." And as the author of Hebrews writes: "Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." - Hebrews 3:12-13.

I need my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, people who care more about my sanctification than they do about offending or creating conflict with me to exhort, rebuke, correct, and bear patiently with me that I may die more and more unto sin and live wholly unto righteousness in every area of my life. Paul Tripp writes: "It is a sweet grace when we are surrounded by people who love us enough to confront us - who are unwilling to let us stay lost, blind, confused, rebellious, and wandering away. It is a sign of God's covenant faithfulness when he sends people to help us see and repent." I am so grateful for the people (the best friends I'll ever have because they are united to the King along with myself) in my life who aren't afraid to rebuke me in love, tenderness, and with encouraging spirits about them. I know I haven't been this kind of friend to people I care about. Then again, do I REALLY care about them? Or do I exalt my own desires of comfort, ease, and for people to "like" me above the best interest of the person? Is my reputation and appearance weightier than that of a man's eternity?

I know I don't relate to people the way I should because I am a sinner, but the Lord reminds me to "bear fruit in keeping with repentance." Although I know I will fail miserably at how I deal with my sin; it is my duty, nevertheless, to deal with it because I have been commanded to and because it is the path to life. "Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God" -Romans 8:12-14. What a wonderful plan of redemption the Father has revealed in the Son by his eternal Spirit! And what a joy it is to lay down my agenda and pick up his! What greater gift could a man receive than the gift of Christ and of being conformed and transformed unto his image? Now I am tired. I think I shall go to bed and rest awhile now. But I leave with this:

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For
the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the
sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if
you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law. The acts of the sinful nature are obvious:
sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord,
jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom
of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ
Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit,
let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each
other" -Galatians 5:16-26.

Goodnite.

Panda Sneezes

2006-11-13T21:42:00.001-08:00


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To Be Alone With Me You Went Up On The Tree

2006-11-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

I long to be with Christ more than anything in this world. He is my Treasure. He is my King. He is my Husband (strange for a man to say, I know). He is my first love, and the one I adore and cherish above all things. Because He first loved me and called me to Himself, who is the greatest gift of all, I desperately ache to be near Him and with Him every second of my existence. My union, my marriage with Christ will endure for eternity because it has been set on His terms. It is his covenant which has bound me to Himself. And the Lord is no liar, no promise-breaker, and no deceiver. The Lord is faithful always. The Lord is Supreme, and Excellent, and Sufficient in all things. He is Supreme above all things. He is Excellent in and through all things. And He is Sufficient for all things. Only the Lord can satisfy this thirst I have for Him because I was created to worship Him alone. My God is a jealous God, and His heart burns for his bride.

"And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband,' . . . And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD . . . I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one. 'I will say to those called 'Not my people, 'You are my people'; and they will say, 'You are my God.' " - Hosea 2

I am so thankful that I will stand with all of the redeemed children of God on that great day, when He either returns or raises us from the dead, to make all things new and all things right. I'm very thankful that so many others, whom I deeply care for, will be present with me at the most glorious wedding day and at the most excellent wedding feast in all eternity.

"Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting: "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear." (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.) Then the angel said to me, "Write: 'Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!' " -Revelation 19

And again:

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelation 21

What a bright future lies ahead for the Lord's people because of the love of Christ and because of what he has done and secured on our behalf! He said, "I am the light of the world." And as Paul says:

"Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires." - Romans 13

The night is far gone; the day is at hand. Jesus, the light of the world, is reigning now and will continue to reign forever as he always has. The light of the Gospel is illuminating to us, by the Holy Spirit, the way things are and how they ought to be. The light of the word is transforming our once darkened, foolish hearts and minds to know and taste what it means to be truly human. And we only see this revealed in the true and holy words of our King, who demonstrated with uttermost perfection, what it means to be a human being through his perfect life, death, and resurrection. Very soon, we will see things as they really are and experience them as they really ought to be experienced. "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known" -1 Corinthians 13:12. And we shall see Him face to face. Therefore, let us walk in the light because He is in the light. Because Jesus is our greatest treasure. "But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin." -1 John 1:7

-Isaac

This is my first time. Please do not laugh at me.

2006-11-10T23:24:00.000-08:00

Hooray!