Jason, You Won't Believe It...

I'm blogging again! I think it's been almost a year since I last posted. You didn't miss anything. What! Are you kidding! You missed so much! I'm back in Atlanta right now. I just moved back up into the front room, my old room. It feels nice to be in a single, lofted bed instead of a triple-bunk that creaks and shakes every time someone breathes deeply or rolls over. I've been sleeping better and a lot these past couple of weeks. I lost a lot of sleep over the summer. Hmmm...it's been a good summer, a very good summer. Working at Camp Westminster was probably the most unexpected, tiresome, joy-filled, emotionally-draining, character-building, gift-affirming, prayer-filled and answered, community-forming, miracle-working, and worship-filled summer I've ever experienced in my life. It's incredible what the Lord can do when He calls a bunch of redeemed sinners together and throws in a few hundred children into the mix as well. Things are never dull, that's for sure. It's still hard to process everything that's going on in my heart and head. I've tried not to think about it because I know I'll start feeling sad. I miss my friends. I've tried to distract myself with the computer. I've tried to sleep it off. I've tried to dive into books rather than into prayer. I've tried to do everything I can to keep myself busy. It's so hard to rest. I am restless.
I don't need more sleep. I don't need distraction. I don't need food, or sex, or drinks, or facebook, or busyness. I need grace and I need rest, and that's only found in Jesus. Why do I forget that so quickly? Why do I wander so far, so fast? I'm a very forgetful person at times. One time Kelley and I drove up to my parents' house to visit them for the day. They live about an hour away. When we had finished dinner and hanging out with them for the evening. We drove back. It was about 9 or 9:30 when we left. Well, when we pulled up to my house. I immediately realized that I had left my keys, to get into my house and my car, at my parents' house. So, we had to drive back to my parents' house and get my keys and then come back down, again. What should have been a two-hour round trip turned into four. This is how forgetful and stupid I am with earthly things. How much more with Heavenly things?!
I need to remember what God has done. I need to remember that He alone is Great. He alone is Good. I forget, so quickly, the true character of God. I buy into the lies of the enemy, and I'm so easily driven by my own guilt and shame to believe that God is someone besides who He has revealed Himself to be. I create false assumptions about who God is; and I don't trust His words, His deeds as He has revealed them to me. I see this played out in my relationship with Kelley. Sometimes she used to put false assumptions on me. She used to think that if she didn't perform well, measure up, or "make me happy" in our relationship that I would leave her. What was she doing? The same thing I do. She wouldn't trust me for who I had revealed myself to be. My words and actions were being interpreted through her own paradigm, and so my actions and words couldn't be trusted, totally. She didn't see or hear me (Kelley, hiiissssttthh!). The truth is, there is nothing that Kelley could ever say or do that could change my disposition toward her. I may get irritated or frustrated with her. I may have sinful feeling toward her at times. But, my overall disposition, posture, love and affection for her can never change. It just can't, and she knows that clearly through my actions and my words as I have disclosed them to her.
So, the question is, "Why do I doubt God's disposition toward me?" Why am I so filled with doubts, guilt, fear, anxiety, and an overall lack of assurance as to how God feels toward me? I know the answer! Or do I? I need to relate rightly to the Lord as He has revealed Himself to be. I need to see who He really is and what He has really done! I need His word which is His revelation disclosing His character, His actions, His words. But, this God that I want so desperately to know and love is not like any other being. I am filled with so many flaws, inconsistencies, failures, sin, discontinuities between what I say I believe and how I live, lies, etc. But, this God, the God of the Bible who has been supremely revealed in Jesus is no liar and in Him is "no shadow of turning." He is "the Way, the Truth, and The Life." He is "a God merciful and gracious; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love."
He is the God of all grace, and "grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." He is not my angry judge. He is not a distant father. He is not a brutal tyrant. He is not an unjust slave master. He is not a crabby old school teacher. He is not far away. He does not delight in evil. He does not enjoy seeing any perish. He is not a flippant, moody acquaintance. He is not a traitor. He does not break His promises. He does not change. He is gracious. He is slow to anger. He is patient. He is kind. He has my best interest at heart. He loves to bless and is Himself the blessing. He is abounding in steadfast love. He is overflowing with love. There is not limit, no capacity, no measure to His compassion. His grace is a fountain that never runs dry, a bottomless well. He is filled with every good and perfect gift, all righteousness and truth. He is above all things and He is the only one worth any praise or glory or honor. This is the God of the Bible. This is the God revealed in Jesus. This is who He has disclosed Himself to be, one who is worthy of all glory and praise but takes none for Himself. He takes nothing for Himself, but gives all away and gave it all away at the cross so that a sinner like me could have the blessing, and the riches, and the glory.
I doubt so much and so often, and I take shelter in my guilt and in my self-pity, but God has greater things in mind. He doesn't turn His back on me as I so often do. He doesn't get pissed off at me when I don't trust Him. He doesn't run out of patience for me. He isn't angry with me because all of those things He reserved to place upon Jesus, and He did on that terrible, terrible day at Calvary. His disposition toward me is one of blessing, and delight, and pleasure only because Jesus suffered His anger, wrath, and judgment for me, in my place. This is the Gospel. "This is eternal life. That they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent" John 17:3.

Worthy Is The Lamb

“God… is infinitely the greatest and best of beings. All things else, with regard to worthiness, importance, and excellence, are perfectly as nothing in comparison to him… The ultimate [goal] of God’s works is… the glory of God.”

– Jonathan Edwards

Psalm 145

Great Is the Lord

A Song of Praise. Of David.

145:1 I will extol you, my God and King,
and bless your name forever and ever.
2 Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
3 Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable.

4 One generation shall commend your works to another,
and shall declare your mighty acts.
5 On the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.
6 They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds,
and I will declare your greatness.
7 They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness
and shall sing aloud of your righteousness.

8 The Lord is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
9 The Lord is good to all,
and his mercy is over all that he has made.

10 All your works shall give thanks to you, O Lord,
and all your saints shall bless you!
11 They shall speak of the glory of your kingdom
and tell of your power,
12 to make known to the children of man your mighty deeds,
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
13 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures throughout all generations.

[The Lord is faithful in all his words
and kind in all his works.]
14 The Lord upholds all who are falling
and raises up all who are bowed down.
15 The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food in due season.
16 You open your hand;
you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
17 The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and kind in all his works.
18 The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desire of those who fear him;
he also hears their cry and saves them.
20 The Lord preserves all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

21 My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord,
and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever.

You are what you worship. You become like that which you worship. What do you place your confidence in? Where does your hope lie? What do you consider worthy? What carries weight, significance, authority in your life? Is it money? Is it other people's approval? Is it food, sex, grades, worldly success and fame, significance, a lover's affection, comfort, health or financial security? What do you consider worthy? What, if gained, would "make you happy" or "make life meaningful?" What, if lost, would make life meaningless, and "not worth living?"

God's glory is weighty. He is the only one worthy of worship. His glory is infinitely weighty, infinitely significant, infinitely worthy. His beauty, majesty, splendor, worth are matchless throughout all of creation. He is the Creator God, The Only Living God, The True God, The King of Kings, The Lord of Lords. He sits exalted, enthroned, enveloped with weighty praise above heaven and earth.

“The Biblical word ‘glory’ is (Heb) kavod [which] means heavy, weighty, significant… The ‘glory of the Lord’ indicates the brilliance that is connected with all God’s virtues and his self-revelation in nature and grace… As an object of loving adoration it is called his [beauty]. As an object of our reverent submission it is called his majesty. As an object of our joyous gratitude it is called his [worthiness].”
– Herman Bavinck

When I first began to draw near to belief in God and even for some time after, I found a stumbling block in the demand that we should “praise” God; still more in the suggestion that God Himself demanded it. We all despise the man who demands continued assurance of his own virtue… but the most obvious fact about praise — whether of God or anything, strangely escaped me. I never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise. The world rings with praise — lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favorite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favorite game… Except where intolerably adverse circumstances interfere, praise almost seems to be inner health made audible… Men spontaneously praise whatever they value, so they spontaneously urge us to join them in praising it: “Wasn’t it glorious? Don’t you think that magnificent?” Indeed we can’t help doing it...because praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation… Our expressions of praise are inadequate — but how if one could really and fully praise things to perfection — then indeed our delight would attain perfect development! To understand what [heaven] means we must imagine ourselves in perfect love with God — drunk with, drowned in, dissolved by, that delight which, far from remaining pent up within ourselves… flows out from us incessantly again in effortless and perfect expression — our joy no more separable from the praise in which it liberates and utters itself than the brightness a mirror receives is separable from the brightness it sheds. The Scots catechism says a man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. But then we will know these are the same thing. To fully enjoy is to glorify — in commanding us to glorify Him, God is inviting us to enjoy him.
– C.S. Lewis

When I Sit in Darkness I Shall Rise

My eyes can only distinguish dull grey tones.
A fog lingers all around me.
I cannot see which way I am going.
Where am I?
Is this a dream?
Is this hell?
No taste, No sight, No smell.
Paralyzed, numb, yet frightened,
I look down
at my feet,
but I cannot see them.
Who am I?
The only decision I can make,
is no decision at all.
I cannot breathe;
only weep.
A light,
in the distance,
breaks through small holes in the thick cloud.
Beams of hope,
Burn into my skin.
My face grows warm.
My eyes focus on the light.
I was blind, but now I see.
The fog dissipates.
I can see my feet.
But where do I go?
Follow the light.
There's life in the light.

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

Jesus, I long for thee,
And sigh for Canaan's shore,
Thy lovely face to see,
And all my warfare o'er;
Here billows break upon my breast
And brooding sorrows steal my rest.

I pant, I groan, I grieve
For my untoward heart;
How full of doubts I live,
Though full of grace thou art!
What poor returns, I make to thee
For all the mercy shown to me!

And must I ever smart,
A child of sorrows here?
Yet, Lord be near my heart,
To soothe each rising tear;
Then at thy bleeding cross I'll stay,
And sweetly weep my life away.



-John Berridge




Sometimes God's grace looks like me flat on my face.
It isn't plastic smiles. It isn't comfortable, cookie-cutter, American bullshit.
It's messy. It hurts. It's perpetual.
Being transformed, remade into God' image isn't like putting fancy ornaments on a Christmas tree. It's killing the tree by chopping it down, digging up the dead roots, and burning the whole tree by fire.
The Gospel is good news.
Jesus wins.
God plants new trees with imperishable seeds.
He is making me fit for heaven, my true home.
I am so polluted. I desperately need God's grace,
even though I run from Him. Like a shepherd who chases down his wandering, stupid sheep. When the shepherd finds him he, oftentimes, breaks the sheep's leg to prevent him from running any further. In the same way, God graciously wrestles me to the ground and breaks into my life. He uproots and shatters all of my false presumptions about Him, myself, and the world. "By Gods blessing my old foundation was broken up, and I saw that my righteousness would not save me."

The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

The sweaty summer afternoon provoked it,
a day at the pond.
I didn't know who's pond it was.
A friend of mine, more like an acquaintance,
had a special tie with the woman who lived there.
She kindly allowed us to swim.
She had two rowdy dogs. One, a small golden retriever-
the other, a beefy black lab whose shoulders reached my hips.
We rolled up to the house as the dogs darted toward the car.
We tried not to squish them beneath the tires.
Soon, we reached a cove
at the far end of the pond.
The bank of the pond was a steep rolling slope covered in mud and rock.
There was a small wooden platform at the top of the bank.
In front of the platform hung a rope with a make-shift handle.
It was nearly thirty feet from the water.
We took turns swinging out over the pond.
We made Tarzan calls to one another.
The two dogs would chase us up and down the embankment.
The golden retriever would swim out to us.
He thought he could rescue us from drowning.
I admired his concern.
The big black lab was more like a cow than a dog.
He had a large gaping mouth,
and his teeth were tarnished yellow.
His breath was overpowering,
but his dopey smile made him tolerable.
My brother was up next.
We cheered for him to swing out to us
who were wading in the muddy water.
He grasped the handle.
He leaped in the air.
The golden retriever, as usual, chased him down the slope.
The beastly lab wasn't chasing him this time.
He jumped upward
with his mouth wide open
like a black, bottomless pit.
The number of his yellow teeth showed
that he was not merely playing.
His tremendous jaws clamped shut
with a thunderous clap
that echoed within the cove and throughout the rest of the pond.
My brother screamed.
He hurtled down toward the surface of the water
in a chaotic display of frenzily flailing limbs.
Awkward splashes shot through the air.
I tore through the water to get to him.
The golden retriever tried to rescue him as well,
but he only made the situation more hectic.
Splashing, thrashing, kicking, scratching.
I quickly pulled my brother from the water.
He leaked crimson colors from his ass.
We covered the deep gash with a t-shirt.
He sat uncomfortably in the backseat,
and complained at the bumps in the road.
We took him to the hospital.
The doctor stitched his wound,
and giggled a bit.
We never swam at that pond ever again.

O Worship The King, All Glorious Above!

O worship the King, all glorious above
O gratefully sing His wonderful love
Our Shield and Defender, the Ancient of Days
Pavilioned in splender, and girded with praise

O tell of His might, O sing of His grace
Whose robe is the light and canopy space
His chariots of wrath the deep thunderclouds form
And dark is His path on the wings of the storm

O measureless might, ineffable love
While angels delight to worship above
Thy mercies how tender, how firm to the end
Our Maker, Defender, Redeemer, and Friend

You alone are the matchless King
To You alone be all majesty
Your glories and wonders, what tongue can recite?
You breathe in the air, You shine in the light



The Lord is the King of all the earth!
The Heavens and the earth quake at the sound of His name!
All nations will come and bow the knee.
All the kings and rulers in the earth will fall on their faces before his throne.
Their kingdoms will pass away, but yours, O Lord, will never pass away.
You reign forever and ever!

Jesus is King. Jesus is Lord.
Maranatha, Maranatha,
Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

Doxology

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
Praise Him all creatures here below,
Praise Him above ye heavenly host,
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.



Every breath, every thought, every moment is doxology.

Jesus the Messiah has come and set me free to live out a life of praise, wonder, and thanksgiving.

The King has come wielding a mighty sword, the sword of the Spirit, and has slain the enemy and has set the captives free. Jesus is the one who was to come, the Anointed Son of God, the one greater than David. And He has come to lead his people like a shepherd back to the Father's house. That he might have a household of priests reigning over the creation forever and ever. And he has done this not with weapons made by men or through coercion, but through obedience to His Father's will, through suffering and weakness displayed supremely on the cross! It is true. It is true. It is true. Praise God for his mercy. His wisdom and power and authority are above all mankind. Indeed, over heaven and earth He reigns supreme. All allegiance and love and praise be unto His name now and forever.


Amen.